How to Ignore Red Flags - A short-ish story

I had met him through friends. After dating a string of non working musicians with a variety of mental health issues and a knack for “borrowing” money from me he was a welcome change, or so I thought. My desperation for a “good guy” was so blinding you could have wrapped me in a giant red flag to the point of suffocation and I would still excuse them away. Oh thank you for this big red blanket, I was so cold, can you wrap it tighter please? 

He had all of the things that none of my previous courters had, not to make this about "things" but basic housing and jobs are kind of important. 

His own apartment & vehicle- check

Job- check 

Kind- check 

Handsome and funny, the picture of niceness and the cutest golden lab you ever did see- check, check, check, check. 

I was writing checks so fast the flags were getting checks. 

So long story short we fell in love quickly and after some convincing myself he was “the one” we moved in together entirely too fast. Fast forward one year later and he quits his job with out consulting me and never holds down full time work again,….why? He’s gong to follow his passion…….music. 

I mean come ooooon universe was this some sick cosmic joke? I had finally escaped the jobless musician hamster wheel of relationships to end up with (drum roll please) a broke musician. What was I doing to attract this same man over and over?  

Well first of all, there were the ignored (but not unseen) red flags. Once I tell you what they are you’ll probably stop reading this and run to read something written by a smarter person but i'll risk it, because the ending is a good one and you’ll benefit from it all. I know this because I did and I lived it. 

Red flag #1🚩

He had a dog but would stay out all day and night with us sometimes not going home until the next afternoon. 

At this time I didn’t have much experience with caring for a dog, so this red flag became bigger in hind site. However, if a man lives in an apartment and has any kind of animal that needs regular feeding, watering, letting out, walking or general companionship and he don’t prioritize that animals needs over partying with some chick he just met, he probably has narcissistic tendencies. Now that I have cared for two large animals, the level of neglect he showed in those beginning stages would make me call an animal rescue and never speak to him again after and cursing infertility on his sorry selfish ass. 

Red flag #2 🚩

He ran out of gas twice in the first three months we dated. 

Now I have only run out of gas once in my life, and even then the gas gauge on my car was broken yet I still knew I was getting too close to E but said fuck it and took the chance. 

If a man runs out of gas twice in the first few months of dating you have one of two major problems on your hands, possibly a combination of both. Problem one, he thinks he is smarter than the car or problem two, he has no money (not to make this about money, but at this stage in life we should all have enough to fill the tank). I wish I could say that over the next decade he never ran out of gas again, but in fact it happened about 9 more times. He always thought he was smarter then his vehicles, never had any money and also had me who each time would drop what I was doing and run to his rescue and fill up his tank so I wasn’t inconvenienced again. You see how that works?  

Red flag #3 🚩

He had a scar on his arm from being stabbed.... in prison. 

But he was only there for 36 months (that’s three years), on weed charges (its just weed! It was the south! I also found out after we broke up this was really for heroine, forgery and assault) and someone attacked him (for doing nothing!) and now he’s totally fine with authority. 

And here I thought he was kinda nerdy, but it turns out he has a little bit of bad boy in him. Now I loved him EVEN. MORE. 

Red flag #4 🚩

When he moved out of his apartment, he waited until 4 hours before the moving truck showed up to pack because “he didn’t have that much stuff”.

Oh how wrong he was. He had a shit ton of stuff. But he somehow never thought things would be that much work (this carried on through each of the 4 other times we moved during our relationship). Its ok though, guess who was there to help? ME. This was my time to SHINE. The girlfriend who does it all. I packed up every last bit of that house in a sweating feverish frenzy because I hate making people wait. He threw out half of his possessions because he didn’t have enough boxes or time to complete the job. It was one of the most blatant signs of total lack of effort or character I had ever witnessed. So of course I moved in with him! Come on, he thought it would be easier than it was. Thats a good thing! Thats optimism! 

Red flag #5, this is a big one. 🚩

His previous girlfriend, who had moved across the country with him, packed up all of their belongings while he was at work and moved away without a word. He came home to an empty apartment and not even a Dear John letter. 

He explained this away by saying she was a very controlling fiery Latina who wanted to move back to Florida to be close to her family and when he didn’t agree she decided to take off. I found out much later she was pregnant and had a baby that he never met shortly after which was not even a red flag, it was a giant sign that said run Jess run, but at this point we were so tied in together I couldn't see clearly. 

I don’t know what to tell you guys. Im the child of an alcoholic mother who had based her entire existence on the approval of men because she didn’t get it from her father and my dad left when I was two. I just wanted to be loved and my non judgmental nature and empathetic soul thought I was getting this guy on the up and up. A real fixer upper and it was all mine. Plus it came with a dog! 

Now don’t get me wrong. There were a thousand things I loved about him and the flags, well they lived in the shadows of those things. He did everything right in the beginning. We went on adventures, he showed me places I had never seen before. Cooked me dinner, greeted me with wine and flowers after a long day at work. Gushed to his friends about me. We laughed constantly, stayed up all night talking and listening to music. We shared the same dreams, the same taste and sense of humor. He made me feel safe and loved and cared about. He made me feel like I didn’t as a child, although I didn’t realize this at the time. 

Oh, He also love bombed the shit out of me. 

A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person, often a narcissist, “bombs” you with an over the top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you. (source wellandgood.com) 

It works wonders on the children of alcoholics looking to fill the void of a parent that was more focused on their own pain then teaching their children what type of love to accept. 

So the last red flag was the one that made me realize I was in over my head. But by the time it happened I was in too long and too deep and didn't know how to get out. I watched the cycle repeat for 8 years. As if it was someone else's story. I was stronger than this, how could I keep staying? He would only hit me once a year or so, but each time got worse. The last time it happened I wasn't the same girl I was when we met. I had grown into the person I am today. The one who didn't stand for that shit. I had worked three jobs to buy us a house, moved us to the Caribbean and back, worked my ass off to pay for him to go to school. I did everything for us. This was the last straw. So I became the one who packed his bags nice and neat while he was at work and then stood in the street and watched him realize the spell was broken as he ripped the costume he had been wearing for a decade from his body like he had been suffocating in it for the last 10 years. It was like watching the Hulk transform. Suddenly each flag flew with the brilliance of the northern star showing me what I had been following all of this time. He melted down like the wicked witch of the west when that bucket of water was thrown on her,  but on the way down she's saying i'll kill you my pretty and your family too while waiving a gun, breaking your hot water heater and slashing your tires before she fades away into the hot blacktop below. The craziest part is I always knew it would end like this, because the hardest men to get rid of are the ones that need you more than they need themselves.  

And I never saw him again (thankfully) 10 years and poof, just like that, he was a ghost. 

I don't regret the relationship, in fact I am truly grateful for it but it's tough when your best and worst memories are wrapped up in the same person, but I think that is true in most of the people closest to us. I grew into one bad ass woman through the years with that man, and though I wont credit him with it, I will say I'm not sure if I would have come this far if I wasn't shown what I am not willing to accept as love. 

If someone is abusing you, please seek help. Leave as soon as you can, before you discover a plot to kill you off like some sick lifetime movie. Before you figure out he's been moving in another woman while you're on work trips. Before you notice the hotel rooms for them he paid for on your credit card. Before he begs you to stay and the fear of the unknown makes you think about it. Which in turn makes you question yourself. You can do it. I did. And it's a glorious victory. There is no stronger woman than the one that says no more, because they will never accept less than they deserve again. 

Also know there is no need to call them out by name or trash them in public. People are who they are as a result of their own pain. The best thing to do is break the cycle by holding your head up and moving along. I did the right things, called the police and protected myself but I did not tell his family or friends what he had done. I think driving his truck full of things across the country back to daddy is telling enough. 

So when it comes to red flags let the lesson be this, it's not about judging, its about observing and following your gut. Look for the truths vs. the lies. Red flags can be ignored, but red eyes can not. 

8/1/18