A Starless Night in the Sierras





After sunset it was 5:30 pm and pitch black in the Eastern Sierras. The rock formations in the Alabama Hills turned from whimsical in the daylight to menacing under the cloud covered sky. With no stars to watch and the full moon blocked by haze I was left to decide whether to smoke to help me sleep or if it would just amplify the fact I was all alone in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the coyote songs to keep me company. I’m strong and independent, I’m strong in independent, I repeated this like a mantra as I wished for curtains to appear over my windows so the imaginary people outside can’t peak in. What is it about the dark that changes our perception? Why is it hard to perceive good things when you can’t see anything at all? It had been 5 months since the night that thrust me into moments like this. Endless moments of me proving to myself I don’t need anyone to do anything. I’m strong and independent, I’m strong and independent. I can sleep in the back country all alone. It gets easier every time to build my own fire, set up my camp, hike the trails, be my company. I don’t feel weird being by myself, a lot of the time I enjoy it more, but it does feel lonely sometimes. All alone on a dark back road with no stars and no moon, finding and losing myself all at the same time. This is what growth is. This is how I prove to myself I’m strong and independent. I slept in total peace until the sun came up. I witnessed a full moon sunrise as I made coffee and climbed rocks to sit and watch the mountains change from the color of dust to the glow of the dawn. I drove into the sunrise a bit more confident than I was the night before. Every time it got easier, every time is more freeing than the time before. One more stop on the sometimes lonely road that’s only really lonely in the dark. 

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